Trying to make sense is plain senseless

 In October of 2019, at 4 months sober, I found myself needing a job. While I had been hired as a TA at Clifty Creek Elementary, the take home pay wouldn’t have paid the bills. So here I was still living at my Great Aunts needing a job, but knowing I needed a safe bubble.  Drugs are rampant here in South Central Indiana as they are everywhere.  Seeking the Lord and Obeying His voice, Heaven Scent Cleaning was born. Immediately, it was a success and of course Jireh gets all of the Glory as the business was truly Heaven Sent. The CoVid shut down definitely slowed things down for a season, but business soon picked back up. So much so I was blessed to send overflow work to a couple of gals at church gifting them that Heaven sent start. Then suddenly in late fall of 2021 things headed south.  I lost several customers for various reasons. One Mom decided to go back to school putting her home to clean. Another families budget took a dive. One customer I dropped after being bitten by their dog and on and on. It was an $800/mo hit, but I still made enough from the remaining homes and 2 churches as long as I stayed to a new less frivolous budget. 

Then CoVid hit our home and hit me hard. When I did get back to work it was grueling and tiresome. No way could I have handled my once heavy workload. For the first time I was grateful for the loss of work. It’s been a stressful year, but I’m making it. New referrals were coming in weekly, but as I sought His will I obediently declined new offers.   I pay my tithe then the bills and we are all so much more grateful for the moments we were able to splurge a little. 

While I’m coming across peaceably now, we all know I’ve worried and lamented plenty about my finances.  “God show me what you’d have me to do.” “God, I know you have this, but can you please release me to take these new referrals?” “God, God, God.” “God, I know you’ll provide but I’d really like to feel like I have this!” All the while not only are the bills fully paid on time, He deposited  blessings of Grocery/Gas money, Easter basket funds, and even cash to enjoy some spoils with my girls over the weekend. I may have thanked Him for a second before I went back to my self serving squabble. 🤦🏻‍♀️ My SOAPS for last week were even fretful and needy. 

Thursday, I sought wise counsel. Thank you, Lord, for a Pastor who tends to his flock, a Pastor who listens, who discerns, who loves and encourages  and who isn’t afraid to say the hard truths.  Feeling a lot like David in Psalms 73:21-22 when He tells Yaweh, “Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you,” I went home and listened.

It. Was. Pride.

 This need I have to know I got this.

All Pride.  Serving Self.

Here I am fully knowing Him as Jireh over my life, knowing that all He has is perfect and far better than anything I can produce. Yet I wasn’t trusting or allowing Him to be. 

 🤦🏻‍♀️ stupid ol pride. 

Let go of that and I wont be so upset. 

As I was cleaning and praying over the only Residential Customer’s, in my list of clientele, home Friday, I heard God saying. “Fully trust me. When you book them again, put in your notice.  Close the business.” 

Really God?!!! I just accepted and acknowledged my self serving pride a few hours ago and now you want me to walk away from what little extra security is left?!!!

I. Didn’t. Do it. I deliberately disobeyed and went on to book their first May appointment and then to clean a church. 

All weekend long conviction gnawed at my Soul. 

One of my life verses that’s in every testimony I give, is John 14:15, “to love Him is to obey Him,” and here I was NOT being the sermon I so often give. 

Sunday morning service hits and Holy Spirit takes me to my knees for a good deal of the worship time. I couldn’t tell you how long as I was too busy dying to self and accepting the refinement. I’m so grateful the God we serve is approachable, merciful and gracious. I apologize for my self serving tendencies and declare my trust in all that God is and say Ill put in my notice on Monday. Then Pastor comes forth with the word from John 14:15 of course.

 Fast forward to Monday morning quiet time with Poppa, when 2 particular readings hit, ultimately confirming what I all ready knew as truth. 

One Verse I used for my SOAPS and I’ll share that with you now to give you a better perspective. 

SOAPS for 4-25-2022

Scripture: “So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Observation: In a season where I feel like it’s the biggest trust fall of my life with my Father in Heaven, I have been struggling with Pride and this selfish need to know “I have this.”  Children are humbly dependent on their parents to provide for them and that needs to be my heart posture.  One of the struggles for me, personally, lies in the fact that I was a fiercely independent child, making my own money since I was 8. It’s been a long time since I could rely on anyone besides myself. (Help me Holy Spirit🙏🙏🙏)

Application: I will trust the process and my Father in Heaven for He is Jireh. 

Prayer: You are Jireh. You are All sufficient. Forgive me for living like I can do a better job than You at anything/everything. I know you will lift me up to new levels greater than I ever imagined if I will just remain in this humble place of total surrender. Help me Holy Spirit to listen and to obey in order for His will to be done.  I am fully dependent on you, Abba. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Share: Nate, The Harrisons, CR sisters, Pey, my Deborah’s, Pastor, Nicolette

Possessing childlike humility in order to know and accept my full dependence on Abba  #RelationshipGoal

Seriously! May we all be that reliant upon our Creator. Help me, Holy Spirit, as I can’t do it alone. Thank you, for aligning me with your Greater Purpose and refining me through your word!! 

And because He knows me oh so well, knowing I’d still be trying to make sense of the senseless, even tho I know His ways are greater (Isaiah 55,) He ever so sweetly led me to Psalm 119:27-35.

“Help me understand the meaning of your commandments, and I will meditate on your wonderful deeds. I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your regulations. I cling to your laws. Lord, don’t let me be put to shame! I will pursue your commands, for you expand my understanding. Teach me your decrees, O Lord; I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart. Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found.”

#nailedit #nuffsaid

‭Even tho it makes no sense at all to me I did it. I gave notice. Heaven Scent Cleaning will be no more after May of 2022.  I am choosing the way of faithfulness. I am fully trusting His plans (Jer 29:11) for me. I’m no longer upset, fretful, or worrisome. In fact, this peace about me makes no sense at all, but man is it good/God. 

#blogger4Jesus #wedorecover #womenevolve #revolutin #fullyRelyonGod