Roll Tape

 I’ve written AND deleted this blog umpteen times this week, umpteen 1000 and 1, if you were to count file 13 piled up inside my head.  There’s so much to talk about. Picture a film room in disarray, reels on shelves, the floor,  out of their cases.  A nearly dangerous web of unraveled tape strewn about.  Aimlessly leading to nothing yet pointing to something. 

So let’s do some unraveling. 

- I had $9.24 left in my bank account this week after paying my tithe and the rent. My only $8 in cash had went to someone else the day before. (They needed it more than me.) The girls are home from school for the summer, sending food cost through the roof, gas prices just topped $5/gal for regular,  in Smalltown USA, the phone bill is due, and I have $9.24 left in the bank. All pay day long, as I went about cleaning the church, I thanked Jireh for this opportunity to be stretched and not stressed.

 Faith it till you make it. 

The next day, I received a check for a prn childcare gig I had forgotten was coming. Sharing about God’s perfect timing with my co-worker before I left, I couldn’t help but praise Him for His goodness as I continued sharing with my girls as we headed to the bank. Readying to make a deposit, I went for my driver’s license, instantly I began to cry. Right there was a $20 bill. Liv and I, mouths gaping stared at each other and then to the Heavens in awesome wonder. 

When you’ve worked your tail off more than once just to lose it all again, as has happened to me in years past. It’s terrifying to let Go and let God. To not have a side hustle, a safety net. To not be in control. To deny self. To obey that which you don’t understand. To not know the hows, the whys, or the what fors. To not need to know. 

It’s the most liberating and refining moment of my 41 years. It reminds me of what Paul said in Romans 6:20-22, “When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life.”

Enslaved to God, doing what leads to holiness, resulting in eternal life. 

Sign me Up!  

“Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, “so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!   I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

‭Philippians‬ ‭3:8-14

- I had the opportunity to share my testimony again last Friday. Afterwards, the devil was really on me and I began doubting myself,  I had totally strayed from the talk I had planned, completely forgetting the notes in my hand. I tried my best to cast down that doubt as I knew I had prayed, “Lord, let your words be my words and my words be your words,” as I walked to the mic. That was His moment. I am just the instrument for His Glory and Grace. 

Later an attendee thanked me for the details I had discussed, as my transparency about some things liberated her from some harsh details in her own story.  Clearly my plan was not God’s.  He knows exactly what He’s doing. 

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭55:8-9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

-This week a saint delivered groceries, paper towel, toilet paper, and even aluminum foil.  Aluminum foil is something I always need for cooking or covering dishes and can never make myself buy.

In my past Ive used foil to make weed pipes and to smoke crack, ice, and crystal meth from. It’s not a trigger but it makes me feel “dirty” to buy it in a store.

God sees. He hears. He knows. He gets me. He supplies all my needs. 

He also sent broccoli and raisins. This week I struggled with my anemia and was sick for a day and a half. Talk about Divine Supplements.  

How sweet is Poppa?!!! ❤️🙏❤️

- Last but not least, we were blessed to spend all day with Miss Bella yesterday. I can’t even begin to tell you what it meant for her parents to allow us this opportunity, as they attended to another pertinent family matter. Since the day we met across the church benches, Evan and Angela have treated me like family. Sis calls me her prayer warrior. They have always seen Jesus in me and have always let me know that. What that did for me in early recovery…I can’t even put into words. Eternally grateful. 

After making breakfast we all spent the morning lounging and watching an  I-Carly marathon.  Bella and Lorelei could give Sam and Carly a run for their money on a webcast as laughter and improv spilled about for the 10 or so hours she was here. What a blessing to be in this moment of girls being girls after 8 grueling months, watching your 8 year old friend battle cancer. 

Oh and Evan and Angela, sorry not sorry for the future spaghetti noodles stuck to your walls.  Bella made an excellent ba-sketti sous chef. Lol 

The tape is endless so I should really digress at this point. I mean what gets better than Bella slappin ba-sketti on the walls. I only like my fettuccini al dente. Know what else is endless? His love for us. 

“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:19‬ ‭NLT‬‬